This piece was kindly shared anonymously by a contributor to my post about monogamy

Being Polyamorous in a Poly Culture That’s in Denial

(THIS REMAINS ANONYMOUS! I have never “come-out” as Polyamorous on paper, and have only come-out to certain friends and PCVs. My family does not know about this, so please keep me ANONYMOUS and do not “out” me. I’m well aware that many PCVs know about this, and that I give a away certain factors about my identity in this article, but overall I don’t want this to impact my family or professional spheres. This is simply to help others who identify with us and/or LGBTQ+ people too)

I was lucky to join the Peace Corps and serve alongside my partner. Serving as a couple had many perks, including not feeling totally alone and overcoming certain challenges together during service. My partner and I had started experimenting with having a poly relationship a few months before getting married and starting service. “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy." I personally feel that no one person should feel that another person has ownership of them as if they are property, and I also believe in living in my truth rather than repressing my feelings. What I did not forsee was that it would be really hard to hide this aspect of our relationship, and also that Colombians were more accepting of this than I thought, however challenging some situations were.

As a Colombian-Unitedstatian that grew up closely with my maternal family in Bogotá, Colombia, one of the most popular themes that people would talk about was how unfaithful Colombian men were. “Fulano cheated on Fulana, why aren’t I surprised?” It was almost like all of these criticizing conversations about men were subconsciously making things worse for everyone involved. My own abuelo was known for being a mujeriego, or womanizer, who was always flirting with all the women aside from my abuela. My Mami and her siblings knew that he would have extramarital affairs and have side girlfriends, especially because these women would call the house. The reality is that my abuelo wasn’t the only man almost encouraged to do this in Colombia.

Fast forward 50+ years, and the first introduction to our future Caribbean coastal department, where we were going to live for the next two years for our service, was to my partner’s counterpart greeting us at the “Counterpart Conference” with: “Are you ready for La Guajira? It’s normal for Guajiros to have 3 women…,” he asked me, “Are you ready for him to have 3 women?” We just looked at each other and laughed at the coincidence, to which he was not expecting us to do. He was also shocked that I, as the woman, was not offended by his comment. My partner answered to him, “Sure! But she’s allowed to have 3 men too if she chooses!” His counterpart got silent real quick, and replied, “eso no se hace,” or that isn’t a thing. When we arrived to La Guajira, we found out that it was normal for many men to have children with two or more women, hence why our counterpart had explained that Guajiro men “have” 3 women. All I could think of was how grateful I was to not have to deal with a cheating partner since we built our relationship based on trust and communicating exactly what our desires are should we take interest in someone else. I think of how many times women have put up with cheating partners, while still waiting obediently at home, either because she has no idea, or because she has no other choice. However, I did see Colombian women in our younger generation encouraging other women who had been cheated on to do what they wanted and to not allow that behaviour. Good on them! But the reality is that most women in the campo or pueblo still rely very heavily on the man to live, and machismo is still a stronghold.

What was the most difficult aspect of our relationship in the Peace Corps was not taking into account how observant people are in such a small pueblo (between 3-4,000 people to be exact). Somehow, people could tell that my partner and I had an open relationship, and I haven’t been able to pinpoint how they figured it out. It could have been how my partner and I like to play this game when we are sitting and chilling out anywhere, while people watching, and we might “check out” someone passing by that we find attractive, and then point it out to each other in order to discuss. Yes, I know it’s superficial, a “game” that objectifies people, but this was one of the ways we became comfortable and open in talking to each other candidly about other people we would consider being intimate with while working through insecurities or feelings of jealousy. I consider myself bi-curious and like to experiment with women, therefore I like to admire women too. We did not “piropo” or cat-call anyone as it’s important to us to be respectful, although I imagine the looks on our faces and the direction of our eyes don’t lie to highly observant people in a pueblo. Or maybe it was seeing us interact with our many fellow PCVs who visited us, whom we tended to be very touchy-feely with since they become like family. Or maybe it was the way I quickly befriended two LGBTQ+ people in the pueblo. I have no idea how they figured it out, but they did and although they weren’t discriminatory, it actually did not work in our favor in terms of decreasing stress in our lives.

I dealt with a sexual assault about 6 months into my service in the city nearby that my partner and I decided to stay quiet about because, as a married couple, we felt guilt and shame about what had happened to me. I kept quiet for the remaining almost 1.4 years of my service until my overall health kept deteriorating due to severe stress and anxiety, also getting worse because of chisme and how people in the pueblo were treating me. I decided to tell a therapist on the phone from DC HQ (I had been asking to talk to SOMEONE on the phone for a year) towards the end of service, and was quickly reminded why I was glad I waited to tell them because of how they made us finish our service 2 months early against our will, and overall how poorly the office dealt with my case.

How was I being treated in the pueblo and how was the chisme? I was being sought out by several men AND their families, some of them on motorcycles with their cute babies (unsafe much?) to get my attention, sometimes manipulated in certain situations like where their kids were used as pawns (they knew I loved working with their kids) and were all of a sudden restricted from attending my classes (at school or at my house) because I hadn’t visited their home, given aphrodisiac in my food or beverage, and sometimes even followed while I walked around town. I was garnering so much attention from certain people the second year of service, especially when my partner would leave town (which would happen at least 1-2 times a week) that I would pretty much lock myself up in our house unless I had work with kids. At some point, young women (as young as some of my high school students) were parading in front of me while I sat on my porch relaxing when I knew there was some sort of chisme going around that I was a lesbian. I was appalled that some parents were allowing their young daughters to do this.

Not all experiences in the pueblo were negative, although the rest were more comical. The funniest was when a “Noche Ajena” or “Night for Extramarital Affairs” event was organized because my partner had left on a trip back to the US for 2 weeks without me because we lacked the funds for me to go with him. Men were parading around the venue as if they were in a factory line, even the men who brought their girlfriends (who I could tell were in on this grand display too). I had no idea the event was called Noche Ajena until the end of the night when neighbors joked about it behind my back. Another party attempt was at the cazeta (KZ) next door to us, used mostly for carnival season, where our neighbors planned a small gathering with only young couples. This time my partner was in town, therefore he attended. One of the women, whom I was sure hated me, was attending with her boyfriend, and approached my partner alone to invite him and only him to a drink. Both of our jaws dropped. At another point of the party, two sets of couples got up to dance, looked over at us and smiled knowing they had our attention, and then swapped couples to keep dancing together. When they looked over to us again to see if they still had our attention, they started giggling at what they’d insinuated. Our jaws dropped again. We decided it was best to ignore what everyone was insinuating, and not get involved. We couldn’t stop laughing about the party when we got home. I wonder what they called that night? “Noche Pareja Eswinger?”

We decided very early on not to get involved with anyone in the pueblo because we knew that could bring drama and even more chisme that we had already garnered naturally. Aside from my aforementioned sexual assault, stress about chisme was one of the other factors heavily impacting my mental health, along with stress about finances and family issues. However, we did experiment with seeing other people in Colombian cities, which was both wonderful and a huge learning experience. Would I recommend trying a poly lifestyle in the Peace Corps? It’s hard to say since the pros equal the cons for me. It was the first time I really felt what it was like to live as someone in the LGBTQ+ community, and to feel like a part of me I wanted hidden was outed against my will. I knew I had always had the privilege of easily appearing as a cis-hetero Latina before moving to site. Although at the end of the day, if anything improves and encourages transparency, communication, autonomy, consent, trust, and LOVE within and outside of a relationship, I encourage it!