Love, what's monogamy got to do with it?
Like many people growing up watching Hollywood propaganda media I was conditioned to believe that true love was between one man and one woman, as I grew older and accepted myself as a queer woman my idea of true love shifted. I had to make room for the fact that my love life might not be the one I thought it would be. Recently my perspective was once again altered when I watched You Me Her, a romantic comedy series about a heterosxual couple that clumsily enters into a polyamorous relationship with a young woman. I was fascinated by the dynamic of the throuple (a relationship between three people) and I immediately started researching more information on the topic. And I’m not the only one, research suggests that academic and popular interest in consensual non monogamy has indeed increased in the past few years, in fact in 2017 polyamory was the 4th most searched relationship term on Google. However, even after exhaustive research I was left with many questions.
Can love exist outside of monogamy? What can everyone learn from non monogamous couples? I spoke to a group of 7 individuals including a polyamorous married couple and famed Trans activist and sex educator Buck Angel about love, monogamy, and lessons learned to find out their thoughts.
These interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity and brevity.
Nikki N, 26, Texas
Bi/Queer
Are you currently in a non monogamous relationship? If so how did you start that conversation with your partner?
Yes . . . we both expressed interest in wanting to explore non monogamy or being open in our next romantic relationship and it all happened really naturally.
Why do you believe non monogamy is right for you?
I love the idea of my partner being open to new people and new experiences. I believe two (or more ;) ) people can be emotionally committed to each other’s growth while also knowing that the world is full of amazing people. I also don’t like the idea of being my partner’s “everything”. I think it’s an unhealthy expectation of monogamous relationships and love. I am not going to be someone’s everything and they aren’t going to be for me.
Do you ever deal with jealousy and if so how?
Of course. In my experience, jealousy is something that I’m always wrestling with and I find that it manifests itself in different ways. Jealousy is natural but that doesn’t mean we can’t properly manage it. There is a misconception that polyamory or non monogamous people are free of jealousy. Whenever I experience jealousy I always try to identify where it’s coming from. Most of the time it’s a mix of my own personal insecurities and a mix of past experiences. Honestly, jealousy is hard to tackle because it’s such an icky feeling. Asking my [sic] “why am I feeling like this? Where is it coming from?” Then bringing it up with my partner is how I deal with it. Some days are better than others.
As a queer Black woman do you think non monogamy is another label that holds stigma and if so how do you deal with it?
I think this is a double-edged sword. In some ways, the Queer community is generally thought of as much more “sexually-liberated” and “open” than the heterosexual one. On the other side, there is the stereotype of Queer women being predominantly monogamous. However, nonmonogamy has begun to be more discussed and more and more couples are identifying as such, so I think the “stigma” or the view of non monogamy in the queer community is rapidly evolving. Some people even think of non monogamous relationships as “not as serious” as a monogamous one. This is obviously frustrating, and depending on the day I’ll either take the time to engage in an educational conversation or I’ll keep it pushing.
Oriol Fuster Cabrera, 29, Catalunya
heterosexual
Do you believe monogamy is inherently flawed?
I think monogamy is not realistic. We persons [sic], as social and sexual beings, like and need to share experiences with others; it is part of the human experience, love and sexuality being languages to it. The tendency to become monogamous and to justify monogamy has more to do with something very practically and politically convenient in order to survive, than to what we really need and are. At the same time, I believe that monogamy-as-the-normal-thing as the hegemonic idea has to do with economics and political interests. And the price to be paid for it is not ethically acceptable.
How did you come to the conclusion that monogamy wasn’t for you?
I am not necessarily against monogamy as a praxis, but as an ideology. I do understand the practical approach to it: I just think that the One, love-of-your-life, your-soul-mate culture is simply not real. You being in love with somebody does not mean that you will stop to like or desire other persons, and I think that defending the opposite has more to do with cultural limits than actual feelings. I prefer non-monogamous relationships to the monogamous one because it feels more true to me.
What advice would you give to someone who wants to try non monogamy for the first time?
Rome was not built in a day. We receive monogamous propaganda 24/7 non stop in culture, we are carrying since years and years ago a monogamous-official-filter to life. Take patience, take it easy; step by step. Be always honest, even when it goes [sic] uncomfortable, especially when it goes uncomfortable. Talk a lot about it, doubt a lot about [it]. Normally, the more difficult thing to do is to be honest with yourself. Share your joy and pain and fears with your partners and friends. Expect to be treated as you treat [others].
Carolyn Mosel, 30, Quebec
Mostly straight , physically attracted to all genders
Do you think monogamy is realistic for all people, and why?
While I do believe many do best in a monogamous relationship for jealousy reasons, I do not believe it is a fit for all. The construct of monogamy is so limiting, and the repercussions of breaking that construct seem to be detrimental. Some people feel the need to "cheat" because the rule about being with one person is so final. I think it can create problems that aren’t even there. It has always saddened me that marriages break up after cheating. The only reason I would not want to be in a polyamorous relationship is because I already have trouble keeping up with one partners emotional needs, but I don’t think I would have a problem with having a relationship where we can sleep with other people. I think it would even help me out with the nights I wasn’t in the mood for my person! It may even make me miss them!
What do you think would be some of the difficulties in having a non monogamous relationship within your community or family?
I think jealousy from closed minded friends who would rather insult the dynamic rather than embrace it because they can not wrap their minds around the idea. My family already thinks I’m weird so I’m sure being in an open relationship would be nothing new to them.
Do you think technology has made it harder for our generation to stay faithful?
Most definitely, there is so much temptation and so much connection. We have more friends, more acquaintances these days, why not more sexual partners? I used to tell my ex, if I can go hang and chill with multiple friends, and not feel jealous when they see other friends, why wouldn’t I be okay with having multiple partners, and one "best partner".
Ana Sofia, 25, Belgium
Heterosexual but curious
What made you want to try non monogamy?
I had been with my partner for 5 years, we were engaged, but he was my first sexual partner. There was a sense of curiosity to try new things, to explore sexuality in a different way then [sic] when I met him at 19. I also felt we had a strong enough base and connection between the two of us for the relationship to be able to handle new people coming in. We did not make in the end, but I don't think opening our relationship is the blame for that.
What have you learned about yourself from your experience with non monogamy?
That sexuality and connection can mean so much more than just the exclusivity from monogamous relationships. I learned that I could have very real connections very quickly with others, so that a lot of your relationship is very replaceable by other people. If you just base the value of your love on the fact that you only have sex with each other, it will not hold once you open it up. Sometimes I felt like a lot of things became "cheaper" or "less sacred" by giving it away to different people. But at the same time, there was this sense of play and discovery and flirty energy that I had missed before. And having it be less of a protected thing also felt liberating. In the end, I managed to balance it out by being more picky with who and when and why, and making sure I stayed connected to what I really wanted.
What advice would you give to someone who wants to try non monogamy?
Keep communicating. Don't just put a few rules of what is allowed and what [is] not, because the rules will change as you go on. Allow your open relationship to be a living breathing thing. And keep talking about it. At one point my partner had more of a "do what you want and I don't want to know attitude" which made everything feel less okay. Also communicate with other lovers on what this is supposed to be about. Protect your energy. At least for me, I feel like opening things up towards a person and interacting with them romantically takes a lot of energy and having a few things going at the same time could make me feel a bit empty, like I was giving away too much. Being more picky about who to spend time with and who to give attention to, so that I also felt like I was receiving as much as I was giving and to make sure I had enough alone time to feel what I was feeling really helped. Be open to what it brings to you. Whatever I expected from opening up my relationship was completely different from the reality. The lessons I learned, I didn’t see coming at all, but I would not change a thing about the experience and who it helped me become.
Isabel*, 31, Colombia,
In an ethical non-monogamous marriage, or a polyamorous marriage
“consent is much more nuanced than I thought”
How did you and your partner decide monogamy wasn't for you?
It all started with articles we would stumble across online . . . this opened up the conversation between us in a very raw and honest way. Then, slowly movies and TV series we watched influenced us like King Oberyn & Ellaria on Game of Thrones, Vicky Cristina Barcelona … and many more. Eventually, after talking A LOT very openly and candidly for at least a year, we were ready to put words into action. We ended up meeting other non-monog, poly, and/or swinger couples or single people through Kasidie.com, SDC.com, friends who became interested in our lifestyle, or good ol' Tinder. Currently, we are looking into FetLife.com. Brian* and I met a woman in a city in Colombia through Tinder, and we would see her about one weekend a month for almost a year. We've had several threesomes or foursomes either through the online platforms I mentioned, or with friends. In retrospect, I came to terms with the fact that I use to have crushes on 2-3 guys at the same time in high school and I always shamed my own way of thinking. My husband and I still see each other as the loves of our lives, and plan to stay with each other for the long haul with talks of kids eventually once we're making enough money.
Have you experienced difficulties being open to others about your relationship as a non monogamous couple?
Yes, very much. I would stress the most about how we would be perceived or judged. We also kinda "came out" about it during our Peace Corps service in Colombia, which was VERY complicated for our job, during a time I was having a lot of challenges personally (mental health, family health, financial burdens, getting sick a lot, sexual assault, etc). Here I write anonymously … about our story in service.
What have you learned about yourself from your experience with non monogamy?
I've learned that consent is much more nuanced than I thought, and that thinking about and then communicating exactly what I want and don't want is VERY important. Communication and honesty is KEY. The more honest in communicating your sexual desires, the closer you get to actually satisfy or fulfill them. It's been one of the most difficult things I've gone through, but overall I'm really happy to get to deeply in touch with exactly what it is I want.
*names changed for privacy
Ryan 28 & Mandy 26, United States
Married
Are you currently doing long distance?
Yes. Off and on for roughly six years.
How do you deal with jealousy while you are apart?
Ryan: Honestly outside of the initial days of us dating and having insecurities that she might go back to her ex I haven't really dealt with any jealousy. I trust her innately. I would never marry someone that I didn't.
Mandy: This past year was an emotional low for me as my family was separated . . . I find it a weak excuse for my husband, and me to resort to the whole notion of ~hormones made me do it~, but I know initially that probably played a role. Reflecting back, I know I was triggered because another woman who clearly displayed attraction towards my husband was not only physically there in the same town, but at his school . . . experiencing the professional route I wanted for myself with my husband. We hadn’t even spoken about boundaries up until 2018. It has been a slow development, but we (okay, me) are establishing what we find appropriate and inappropriate to maintain that common respect for our marriage, and family. I never wanted ‘rules’ because I do not believe in conditional morality (and I don’t like Pence-like-implications to gender, etc.), but I have realized that I’m not here to be the cool wife with zero complaints. I know exactly what upset me, and it’s okay to voice that fear, and concern in order to give the other person enough room to choose for themselves on how to handle the situation.
Do you ever feel pressure to be everything to your partner?
Ryan: No. It's something that I want to be. It's not a pressure do much it is a desire to be everything for her.
Mandy: One hundred percent. I think I’ve found balance over the last year or two of finding platonic relationships to fill my professional, social, and personal voids that just can’t be filled by my husband given the long distance and general season of our lives. We’re doing something different from what we knew when we shared the same roof. I also know that because of the distance I also expect more from Ryan romantically. Nine times out of ten, I feel let down because I didn’t receive a grand gesture of love (dramatic, I know - I’m working on it). Likewise, I feel as if I failed for not moving the moon and stars weekly for him to feel my love and desire for him in our relationship.
What do you think are the challenges of monogamy and do you have any advice for other young monogamous couples?
Ryan: Sexual complacency in the relationship. Get some toys and explore.
Mandy: Making sure I’m speaking his respective love language, regardless of how small the act when I do miss him is important to me. I’ve made a conscious effort . . . to engage in his way, not my way. It’s okay to set boundaries. I never spoke them or enforced them because I didn’t want them to be put back on me. Seven years later, I’m realizing that these boundaries would have saved the human I love the most a lot of pain early on if we respectively and lovingly established emotional limits. Addressing said limits bi-annually doesn’t hurt either. Each season of life is going to bring about new emotional layers that can certainly influence changing boundaries.
Buck Angel, 56, California
Bisexual
How did you come to the conclusion that monogamy is best for you?
I’ve always been monogamous . . . and that really came from my own insecurities. I tried with a couple of my partners, and we did it but you know what on both sides jealousy would come up. And we would feed each others jealousy if that makes sense. In my second marriage we were pretty monogamous. How we had our monogamy was, we did play together with other people, together only. It was still monogamy but at the same time I don’t know what you would call that. This [past] relationship . . . with the lesbian woman, we were open because I wanted to make sure she got her needs met with women, it’s very important for me. I have a vagina [but] I’m not a woman so it’s not possible for me to give her those female things that she needs. And I think eventually what happened was that both of us weren’t getting those needs. So I would say I’m much more monogamous than I am open, when I’m in a relationship.I have a lot of friends who are in you know poly relationships, non monogamy, you know all of these things, and I watch them struggle with it. It’s not something that just anybody can do and I know this about that. I have to be honest to myself and say ‘do I need a non monogamous relationship?’ and I say no! I just don’t need that because it’s not something that I need to try, or I have the desire to because I already did it. And it’s like once you know yourself, you just have to be honest with yourself. It just doesn’t work for me. And I think it’s a beautiful thing if people can do it, but if I’m honest with you, I don’t think many people can actually do it.
Do you think there’s more non monogamy in the LGBTQ+ community than in the heterosexual world?
100%. For sure.
Do you think it has anything to do with the perceived hypersexualization of LGBTQ+ folk?
Yes. There’s that. I mean there’s a lot of it. I don’t think there’s just one definite answer for this. I think ‘let’s talk about the cisgender [community], let’s talk more about the heterosexual world’. I think that there’s a lot of non monogamy but I don’t think they’re honest about it. They don’t talk about it. I was in the domination world, one of my ex wives was a pro dom and all her clients were married men, and I guarantee you not one of their wives, maybe one out of a hundred, knew that their husbands went to get spankings and fucked up the ass and whatever else. That’s sex! People will say well that’s not [the same], and I’m like well that’s sexual! I don’t care what you’re telling me. I would feel cheated on, wouldn’t you?
Of course. I think consensual non monogamy is more common in the LGBTQ+ community than with heterosexual couples.
Yes exactly. And that’s the key to non monogamy. Its consent! [laughing]
Yes of course. Isn’t it the key for so many things?
Many things! [laughing] You’re so right. People don’t even know what consent is, they just don’t even know that word.
From your experience trying non monogamy did you learn something about yourself?
Yeah! Of course I did because I am that guy that actually likes to learn about myself and why I feel insecure and why I feel not loved if I have a non monogamous relationship. I really have to look at my own self and say ‘what is my insecurity about my partner having sex with somebody else?’ because it’s clearly that. With anybody who’s having issues in their non monogamous relationship, it comes down to jealousy, envy, or own self doubt. I have all those things when it came to having sex with somebody else in a relationship. And so I looked at myself . . . because outside the sexual relationship I’m just not that guy. I’m a very confident guy, I’m a very straight forward guy. But something about having my partner having sex without me made me feel not loved, it made me feel lesser than, it made me feel that I wasn’t giving enough to that person. When I started to really look at myself ‘what is it that is making me feel lesser than?’ and it just came down to jealousy, and not feeling confident in myself. It’s one of the reasons I got out of that last relationship because I need to work on that, because . . . it’s not okay that I feel that way about myself when I don’t feel that way about myself outside of the relationship right?
Right, do you regret trying it?
Oh no, not at all. I think it’s important. I walked through my fear of her leaving me for another person… having sex with somebody and them falling in love with them and leaving me, all of those abandonment [issues] and that’s what it came down to. I’m happy I did it because you [I] learned about myself from it and I know that I can’t do it. So the next relationship I get into, that won’t even be on the table…it wont work. Really it’s a trauma, it creates an anxiety, it created a depression for me…because you know I thought of myself as bigger than that. I thought of myself much more progressive. Just because I can’t do it doesnt make me less of any of the things I said, everybody is different and that’s why this conversation is important that you’re putting out and I’m glad I’m a part of it because we need to talk about it. Its okay if you can’t be in a non monogamous relationship, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s the way you’re wired, it’s the way my brain is wired, it’s not for everybody.
Would you have any advice for people who want a healthy monogamous relationship?
Great question. How I have a healthy monogamous relationship is trust, number one and first and foremost of anything you can have in ANY relationship is trust. So that means being authentic, that means being transparent, that means being honest, that means really talking about how you feel about things. And even if it’s embarrassing and feel like ‘I have a jealous feeling’ you have to talk about that because that creates that really special bond. I lost all my trust and I think that’s why I have a lot of trouble in my relationships. Trusting your partner and really walking through the fear of being honest and the things that you feel embarrassed to talk about, it’ll create a much stronger bond. And then maybe you can experiment after you have a bond. Without trust you’re not gonna have a great monogamous or non monogamous relationship.
It seems there is no one answer to whether love can exist without monogamy, because as with many other things in life there is no one-size-fits-all. What does seem certain is that we need a more flexible understanding of romance, however unconventional the ending result may be. Asking ourselves what we really want from our partners and our love lives is just the first part of the conversation, being able to honestly communicate those feelings and negotiate our boundaries is the hard part, but with the right person … or people, it can create the beautiful bond we need to find the happy ending that’s just right for each of us.
Have you explored consensual non monogamy? Why or why not? I’d love to hear from you!
*Updated to include more detailed answers.
